*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.