My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
You Might Also Like
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.