If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
You Might Also Like
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
rise and shine we got egg
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Breaking news:
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk