Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
oh my gosh!!
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Yup!
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot