sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.