WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Apparently it鈥檚 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they鈥檒l break your heart and move in with your brother
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn鈥檛 say anything about staying in the exam room
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
No matter what country they鈥檙e in ducks always have the same quaccent.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I鈥檒l be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn鈥檛 sound very fun.
Me: Can鈥檛 hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I鈥檇 do it for a Costco hot dog.
This 4th of July, please remember…
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about