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“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
i spent way too long on this
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown