Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
You Might Also Like
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
How your email finds me
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice