My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
LMAO.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.