I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold