[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”