My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
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Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
selfie game
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Called it
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me