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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.