When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
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The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback