A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
reduce, reuse, recycle
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
The pasta is now
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS