Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
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Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from