I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why