I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
hackers play passwordle
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
How can I say no to this ?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.