*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
bought wrong eggs
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time