Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
oh u like geography? name every lake
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
me adding lol on a serious message
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]