most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.