3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.