Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You Might Also Like
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
CUTE CAT‼︎
#Caturday
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*