You Might Also Like
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
sry
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.