Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”