Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of funflaps's best tweets

@funflaps : Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

@funflaps: Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

@funflaps: wicked witch: I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i'm pretty?

@funflaps: dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn't mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they've stolen the declaration of independence

@funflaps: A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they're all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

@funflaps: SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I'm confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

@funflaps: BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

@funflaps: ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@funflaps: [first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let's go... OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I'm going back to my swamp

@funflaps: [portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That'll cost you an arm and a leg