Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of funflaps's best tweets

@funflaps : Drug dealer: What do you want? Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o'wannas

@funflaps: lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I've abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

@funflaps: Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

@funflaps: AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I'll tell you

@funflaps: [restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I'll fight you RIGHT NOW

@funflaps: YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn't as good as mine

@funflaps: Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

@funflaps: When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

@funflaps: BOSS: You've been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@funflaps: I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn't want to