Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of funflaps's best tweets

@funflaps : ZOMBIE: braaains LION ZOMBIE: maaanes KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@funflaps: [first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let's go... OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I'm going back to my swamp

@funflaps: [portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That'll cost you an arm and a leg

@funflaps: [doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

@funflaps: Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

@funflaps: [sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@funflaps: CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

@funflaps: Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o'wannas

@funflaps: lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I've abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

@funflaps: Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.