Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of funnybeachgirl's best tweets

@funnybeachgirl : With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@funnybeachgirl: "I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!"

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@funnybeachgirl: I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.

@funnybeachgirl: Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?

@funnybeachgirl: Energizing breakfast smoothie:

1. 2 cups chopped kale
2. 1 ripe banana
3. 1/8 tsp flax oil
4. 1/2 cup coconut water
5. 3 grams of cocaine

@funnybeachgirl: Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon's office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

@funnybeachgirl: Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible... there was glitter everywhere.

@funnybeachgirl: What's white & falls from the sky?

"The coming of the Lord."


...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.