@funnybeachgirl: "I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!"
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
@funnybeachgirl: I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
@funnybeachgirl: Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?
@funnybeachgirl: Energizing breakfast smoothie:
1. 2 cups chopped kale
2. 1 ripe banana
3. 1/8 tsp flax oil
4. 1/2 cup coconut water
5. 3 grams of cocaine
@funnybeachgirl: Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon's office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
@funnybeachgirl: Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible... there was glitter everywhere.
@funnybeachgirl: What's white & falls from the sky?
"The coming of the Lord."
...please enjoy this tweet. I'm going to hell.