Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.