I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Match dot com, but for socks.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”