Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
You Might Also Like
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.