Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.