i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
A new level of troll.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.