“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks