Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
black phone good
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Ummm
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.