Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
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LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me irl
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe