Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”