The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Lmfaoooooo
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”