@generaldietz: priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
@generaldietz: [space station]
me: *winks* let's get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
@generaldietz: lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?
me: yea...it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners
lifeguard: a squid?
@generaldietz: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
@generaldietz: NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i'll ask my mom
@generaldietz: Mark Wahlberg's mom: Marky Mark! It's time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I'm 44. What snack?
@generaldietz: Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
@generaldietz: Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.
@generaldietz: Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?