Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of generaldietz's best tweets

@generaldietz : me:*pulls chair out for date* her: such a gentleman my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU'RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

@generaldietz: priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

@generaldietz: [space station]

me: *winks* let's get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@generaldietz: lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?

@generaldietz: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@generaldietz: NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i'll ask my mom

@generaldietz: Mark Wahlberg's mom: Marky Mark! It's time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I'm 44. What snack?

@generaldietz: Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@generaldietz: Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.

@generaldietz: Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?