The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Liquor Store Parking
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Feels
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.