Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of geowizzacist's best tweets

@geowizzacist : To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

@geowizzacist: Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

@geowizzacist: (Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

@geowizzacist: *Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

@geowizzacist: Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

@geowizzacist: (Face painter at kid's birthday party): ...and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

@geowizzacist: (3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

@geowizzacist: Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

@geowizzacist: Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@geowizzacist: My 4yo: Let's play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.