Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of geowizzacist's best tweets

@geowizzacist : (Face painter at kid's birthday party): ...and what shall I paint on your face? Me: Enthusiasm.

@geowizzacist: (3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

@geowizzacist: Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

@geowizzacist: Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@geowizzacist: My 4yo: Let's play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

@geowizzacist: I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said 'Ouch.'

@geowizzacist: I'm just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

@geowizzacist: *finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@geowizzacist: Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.