@geowizzacist: Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
@geowizzacist: Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
@geowizzacist: (Face painter at kid's birthday party): ...and what shall I paint on your face?
@geowizzacist: (3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
@geowizzacist: Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
@geowizzacist: My 4yo: Let's play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.