Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.