My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*