Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
hey, alexa
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.