My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
rise and shine we got egg
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.