Come back after dark. Bring your friends
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
He a real one for that
Sorry. Not sorry
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.