The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
You Might Also Like
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what