“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
You Might Also Like
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?