One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Isn’t
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.