WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My dad is at it again
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.