@girl_a_whirl: Daughter: Mom! I'm bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we're going to be nude this weekend
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can't you just admit you don't like him
Me: So naked
@girl_a_whirl: I've won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
@girl_a_whirl: With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.
@girl_a_whirl: WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
@girl_a_whirl: I've been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
@girl_a_whirl: *doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can't I just vaporize her?