Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of girl_a_whirl's best tweets

@girl_a_whirl : [Speed dating] Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game? Him:... Me: Next!

@girl_a_whirl: [Paul Revere's Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

"The"

*bounce*

"British"

*bounce*

"are"

*bounce*

"coming!!"

*bounce*
*bounce*

@girl_a_whirl: Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

@girl_a_whirl: Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I'll take it for 50% off

@girl_a_whirl: The Sound of Music taught me if you don't like your country's regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

@girl_a_whirl: [ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What's wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I'm the winky face

@girl_a_whirl: If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I'm a free thinker.

@girl_a_whirl: All I'm saying is if you've ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you'd NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

@girl_a_whirl: Batman: Life isn't a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes 'I'm sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®' 100 times on Batpaper*

@girl_a_whirl: The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.