Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of girl_a_whirl's best tweets

@girl_a_whirl : WEBMD: Enter symptoms Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@girl_a_whirl: Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@girl_a_whirl: I've been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

@girl_a_whirl: *doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can't I just vaporize her?

@girl_a_whirl: *lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

@girl_a_whirl: [Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Me: Next!

@girl_a_whirl: [Paul Revere's Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]









@girl_a_whirl: Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

@girl_a_whirl: Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I'll take it for 50% off

@girl_a_whirl: The Sound of Music taught me if you don't like your country's regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.