@girl_a_whirl: If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
@girl_a_whirl: *comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe...who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe...only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
@girl_a_whirl: Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
@girl_a_whirl: Daughter: Mom! I'm bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we're going to be nude this weekend
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can't you just admit you don't like him
Me: So naked
@girl_a_whirl: I've won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
@girl_a_whirl: With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.