Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of girl_a_whirl's best tweets

@girl_a_whirl : *comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table* Me: Hey babe...who did this? Husband *levitating*: There is no babe...only Zuul Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

@girl_a_whirl: Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

@girl_a_whirl: Daughter: Mom! I'm bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we're going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can't you just admit you don't like him
Me: So naked

@girl_a_whirl: I've won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

@girl_a_whirl: {abducted by aliens}
Hey guys...what’s your wi-fi password?

@girl_a_whirl: With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it's amazing I haven't been implicated in any local crime scenes.

@girl_a_whirl: WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@girl_a_whirl: Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@girl_a_whirl: I've been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

@girl_a_whirl: *doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can't I just vaporize her?