@girlnarly: me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
@girlnarly: doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
@girlnarly: scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
@girlnarly: Gordon Ramsay: *smashing things* WHY IS THE OVEN FACING THE WALL?!?
me: dude you told me to set it at 180 degrees
@girlnarly: [first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
@girlnarly: [ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds ;)
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
@girlnarly: lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
@girlnarly: date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name... unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me