Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of girlnarly's best tweets

@girlnarly : tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book! me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

@girlnarly: me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@girlnarly: [first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

@girlnarly: doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

@girlnarly: scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

@girlnarly: Gordon Ramsay: *smashing things* WHY IS THE OVEN FACING THE WALL?!?

me: dude you told me to set it at 180 degrees

@girlnarly: [first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@girlnarly: [ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds ;)

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

@girlnarly: lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

@girlnarly: date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name... unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me