Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of girlontapas's best tweets

@girlontapas : That awkward moment when he asks you if you're mad and you assure him that you're very happy and he says... "No, I meant, you seem crazy."

@girlontapas: Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@girlontapas: Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but...

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

@girlontapas: Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@girlontapas: I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

@girlontapas: My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I'm 40.

@girlontapas: I do things for others...

Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

@girlontapas: The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but...they can't make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn't trying.