Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of girlontapas's best tweets

@girlontapas : Diet app pops up "What did you have for dinner?" *looking at glass of wine* *turns off phone*

@girlontapas: I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who's the hero now?

@girlontapas: My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

@girlontapas: Whoever said "find joy in the small things" clearly didn't know my ex.

@girlontapas: I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn't been invented yet.

@girlontapas: That awkward moment when he asks you if you're mad and you assure him that you're very happy and he says...

"No, I meant, you seem crazy."

@girlontapas: Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@girlontapas: Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but...

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.