@girlontapas: Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
@girlontapas: Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
@girlontapas: I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but...
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
@girlontapas: Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
@girlontapas: I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
@girlontapas: My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I'm 40.
@girlontapas: I do things for others...
Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
@girlontapas: The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but...they can't make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn't trying.