Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar